my coffee tastes like cigarettes.

Just got up after a 3 day bed binge.

During my haze, I thought – and dreamt – a lot about my past. If there were only a magic little pill I could take to rid of all the memories. The ones that have formed the constant knot in my stomach, the ones that keep me up at night, the ones the suck the life out of me day by day. I don’t know exactly why I have such an addiction of nailing bad things to my mind, but I do. Maybe I keep them as a reminder of my failures; of the people who have failed me. Perhaps it is a form of self harm. Whatever the reason, I seem to be unable to let things go. And it is slowly killing me.

Some days I feel good about it all, strong. I say to you, “I have overcome my past and am all patched up now.” Some days, I feel that way. But it isn’t the truth. The truth is, I am struggling with it all. Trying to come up with some answer to prove to myself that I am not my past mistakes … that I am good enough, worthy. That I will find someone who is accepting of me for ME. I don’t like to be this person, but I am this person … and to keep this side out of my blog, is to contradict everything I’ve written thus far.


24 thoughts on “my coffee tastes like cigarettes.

  1. I remember everything, too. I hate it. In fact, the bad memories can easily swallow up the good ones. This especially happens after a break-up. All I seem to be left with are the awful feelings that come post-beak-up. I don’t know how to change that. I’d be happy to take that pill, too, so let me know when you find it.

  2. The problem is, loony, that coffee is delicious. And where you live, in ‘Murica, it’s not so delicious. Coffee negates all past memories. Good coffee, at least.

    And my two cents: you can never truly let go of the past. It’s always going to be buried somewhere deep inside of you. Within a pocket that’s stitched in some old, warn out pair of jeans you thought you’d thrown out a long while ago. The key is, for me at least, to leave the crazy thoughts alone. Treat em like the weather. They’ll come, and they’ll go. Just kinda sit back and watch. Then laugh. Then cry. Then start over. I darno. I guess you could try that. Letting go of the need to not have the thoughts instead of the thoughts themselves? If ya gets me? Bah – explaining crazy is hard times.

    Oh, and kudos on the 5 months without ciggys. A best mate of mine is at 9 months. It nearly killed him, but he’s doing aight.

    • So … is that a proper invite to travel to the land of better coffee?
      And I do get ya .. what you said. It makes better sense than what I’ve been doing.

      • Umm, yes, yes it certainly is. I’d love a new real life friend to make crazy gossips with over a caffeinated cows udder. You’d have fun down this end of town (the world).

        And I’m glad you get me. I’m pretty sure that shit works. Sometimes, at least.

  3. My painful memories connect me with other people, either the ones who stood by me or those who have experienced similarly painful things – physically and mentally. That pain I can bear. Then there is the unique pain of being me, for which I only had a temporary remedy. I guess, that counts as a distraction. Still, more of that distraction would be nice…

    I guess I am a romantic; Sex is good, but not quite enough. It needs to be truly reciprocated (or at least very well faked) love, with good sex.

  4. I have found myself reliving painful things that happened in high school (just an example), crap this is so no longer relevant that it’s frustrating. Sometimes cuts heal and sometimes you get stuck with scars, I’ve just accepted that my brain has scar tissue.

  5. I deal with bad memories by replaying them in my mind 2.5 zillion times. Or, I should say that’s how I used to do it. What helped was eliminating the toxic people and environments from my life. That was hard to do but now that I have those toxicities out of my life I spend more time doing and less time thinking. Now most problems can be handled by a nice little bike ride. The other thing that helped…oh, I promised not to mention it again.

    Anyway, glad you are feeling better, and yes, autumn is for darker, or redder, hair color indeed.

    • I seem to be stuck in the “replaying them in my mind 2.5 zillion times’ mode. I need to do a proper elimination of the toxic things/people, but that is not so easily done … or maybe it is easier than I think??

      Also, you may be happy to know that I am going to give wheat-free a proper try. I’d love some advice/tips/etc … if you’d be up for it? 🙂

      • I just typed a lively ling reply and my bleepn phone misfired and its gone. I don’t have the heart to retype nut basically it said “I’d live to help you transition off wheat.” When I get to a proper keyboard I’ll say more.
        Oh and if you can quit cigs the wheat will be easy! Congrats on that!

      • Here’s that longer reply…
        Wow! Big step! But like I said, if you quit cigs this will be easy.

        By my experience there are two types of eaters: disciplined and undisciplined. I fall into the later group so I have no ability to moderate other than all-or-nothing. So I completely quit wheat, grain, and processed sugar to avoid any and all temptations. Eating a little just makes me crave more. One of the things that I found helped me lots – when I had a craving for carbs or sweets I would go to the local bakery case and stare at the treats. Eating them with my eyeballs proved to be as satisfying as ingesting them and while I annoyed and probably disturbed a few bakery clerks it helped me stick to my plan.
        I think too, it helps to tell people, “I don’t eat wheat.” That re-enforces the message to you and helps hold you accountable…the dreaded “others” will know if you are cheating! The change won’t work, if you cheat. You have to commit. But, from the cig quitting you know that. Sugar, carbs are nearly as addicting and far more accepted by society so it’s hard in different ways.
        My neighbor, who is obviously disciplined, has done well just quitting wheat. So it works for some. BUT, since my mood disorder was related to blood sugar imbalance, I got the best results quitting the sugar too. By the way, I started on this plan for an entirely different reason and have stuck with it because of the mood leveling affect. It’s so nice not to live in that dark place. Here’s a link to the eating plan that began the change for me:
        My suggestion would be to stick with the change, really commit to it, for about 3 months. The first two months are hardest, and then after 3 your body has really adapted and you find it easier to stick with. Because my depression vanished pretty early on (within 2 weeks), it was especially easy to stay away from wheat and sugar. It’s now been over 3 years and I’ve learned which carbs I can let and which ones ruin it for me. If you can stick with it for 3 months then just test one grain/sugar at a time to see what upsets the balance you can refine you eating plan, personalize it towards what works best for you based on your goals.
        Anyway, that’s some of my first thoughts. I welcome more questions and do feel free to contact me offblog. I’d love to see you benefit from it as I did.
        Best of luck,

  6. Oh I also read a Buddha quote recently that was something like, “Being angry at someone and expecting that to make you feel better is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Now that made sense to me and I plan to think about that the next time bad memories get into a continual loop in my head.

  7. Congrats on stopping smoking. My father had emphysema when he died and it was a terrible thing to watch.
    As for the past, I am happily married and it is still in my head. There are some things you can never let go of no matter how hard you try. I wrote a post about that..stress and bad memories. There’s a place in my mind where I have to just lock it away for a time and not open the door but I is really hard to keep that door closed when the lock gets broken.


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