dreams, go bump in the night

I have always had a very energetic mind at night; wild things enter and keep their grip until morning’s wake. As a child, I would not only walk around and carry out activities while completely asleep, but I would also have horrible hallucinations that were more real than any dream ever could be. One night, I went out into the living room and saw our bird dead and bloody on the floor. I went screaming and crying to my mother, begging her not to blame me. “It’s not my fault!” I would plead. I was awake, yet I wasn’t. I also had very violent dreams; always feeling an evil presence near me.

It was during this time that I started also experiencing this strange happening right when my eyes closed … the world would suddenly begin caving in on me, I would feel intense pressure; I was getting smaller, everything else getting bigger. The world was right on top of me, and yet, so far away. It used to scare me so much that I would try to open my eyes and repeat the mantra “Stop,” over and over. It progressed to the point where certain things would trigger it. I could be fully awake, going about my day, when a certain song would come on the radio and the pressure would start enveloping me. It happens so infrequently now, that when it did finally happen again a while back, I invited it to continue just so I could see what would happen. I felt very disconnected with my body; I was no longer part of it.  I have tried googling it .. the closest thing I can find is Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, but even that doesn’t seem quite right.

Now that I am older, the hallucinations and sleepwalking have [for the most part] ceased. They have been replaced with very vivid bad dreams every single night. I italicize the words because I find that nothing truly describes them. Each night, my dreams include the same themes: death and running from it. In one form or another, whether it be a natural disaster, an ax murderer or one of my own family members, I am always running from death. I am always packing a bag. Usually always trying to also save my little sister as well.

It used to be that I would only have nightmares once every other week, but a few years ago, I started having them every night … and remembering them each morning. This has not gone away. I started trying to stay up for days, fearing what awaited me in dreamland. What does it all mean? Why every nightBecause of the abuse and neglect I have been exposed to since early childhood.

I feel worn down all the time, like I can never rest. My mind is always going, always running. I am burnt out; mental exhaustion.

21 thoughts on “dreams, go bump in the night

  1. I used to dream about being late for class, or a test, or school in general. I used to have those dreams a lot. I mean A LOT. And the when I decided to go back to school to get my second degree they stopped. So I don’t dream about being late for school anymore. And I suppose that’s great or whatever (considering they were pretty harmless dreams to begin with), except now I have a huge school loan to pay off which makes the time I’m awake incredibly stressful when I think about how long it will take me to pay it all off. I don’t know, I guess I prefer the dreams.

  2. I would like to offer an interpretation of one of your dreams and a possible explanation for why you had those feelings at night as a child. With your permission of course.

    All I need is a detailed description, more detail is better, of a dream. You should be able to email me at myatheistlife at G mail dot com if you are interested.

  3. I used to have this sort of horrible, very vivid dreams when I was on antidepressants. And also while using nicotine replacement patches, strangely enough. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have them every night though… I hope in time you find a way to somehow “fix” this…

  4. Most of the dreams I have, like yours, include me running from something or someone, or at least the ones I can remember.
    When I was very young, I had quite a few nightmares with reoccurring characters trying to chase me and kill me, but eventually I learned to befriend them and they simply stopped appearing in my dreams.
    I’ve had some really odd ones; once I dreamt up the results to one of my tests and they turned out to be right, but that’s probably more to do with coincidence.

    As for yours, perhaps your dreams are a mixture of unresolved memories of the past, mixing a little with the horror films you watched as a kid? Or maybe some subconscious stress of growing older or fear of the inevitability of death is manifesting in your dreams?
    I hope this helps you turn your nightmares back into dreams. 🙂

    • Honestly, everything. I let myself live in such a bubble … outside of reality. It really is just me running/hiding from life. I should really think about the answers to your questions, it might do me a lot of good … it would be hard though.

  5. Hmm, this is weird, but I had a dream about you last night.

    You came to visit me in Aus. Everyone fell asleep immediately after your arrival (there was 3 or 4 people) Then, the next morning when I woke up, a friend that was staying with me (an indiscriminate person) told me you had been kidnapped by some guy in Belarus (specifically) who looked like a serial killing transvestite. Then, as it turns out, you weren’t really kidnapped, you just said you were. I can’t remember the reason you lied. But there was something odd about the skype, (?) you may actually have been on the television, session where you said you weren’t kidnapped, and we realised that you just said you weren’t kidnapped cause he forced you to. But you really were.


  6. Loon,
    Sorry this took so long, but the answers come in their own time… I can only ask… so I did… and here is the answer that came… for you…
    Next time, as you go to bed, say the Our Father (in any “language” – get that?) and do your best to mean it… you don’t have to set off fireworks or anything like that… just “mean it” as best you can… I have a feeling that this time, for you, even ‘barely’ will work… 🙂

  7. Pingback: On Dreams, Nightmares « Thoughts of a Lunatic


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