One thing I want to do this year is shed some metaphorical weight; get rid of some of that baggage that I carry around with me on my shoulders. What is it there for? What purpose it is serving, other than shackling me down? I have a past, as does everyone, but that doesn’t mean I need to keep punishing myself with it. So I tell myself that I will let it go, forgive myself and move forward. I even start doing it; I read your comments here and feel more confident about moving up and over the slumps. But then I get around my family. And I’m right back to being that little girl, hiding in the darkness with no way out.
You see, I’m the black sheep. Not only that, I’m the black sheep that moo’s. I am so incredibly different, there was never any chance that I would be understood by them. It’s important to note that I am not trying to make them out to be bad people … because they do a great job at that themselves. In case you missed it, THEY ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE. We just don’t mix. The water and oil can be put together, but they will never blend. I have always watched from afar how well everyone seems to get along with one another. They talk, they laugh, they fall into each other as perfect pieces to each others puzzles. I was always baffled by this. It never came easily to me; it was never natural. I was always on the outside looking in, and I hated myself for it.
They just refuse to accept me. They never will. They look at me with such misunderstanding, that they look past all of my charm and only see the flaws. I did not walk down the path they hoped; I did not go down the road they understood, and because of this, we will never blend together. I have been in therapy, on meds, ran the blades across my body, drank too much, used drugs, used sex, planned & attempted to end my life … all in attempts to black out the parts of me that people hated, and in essence, black out my entire self. So if I have learned anything over these years of pain & bruises of trying to fit in, its that I have to learn to never again sacrifice who I am, for another person.
So I may always look ridiculous, I may always be weird and crazy and off. I may do everything the hard way, the strange way, the way no one understands. And I may always be a lunatic, but you know what? It’s one hell of a party on my side, so if you don’t want to join, you will forever be missing out.