3am chronicles

i was lying in bed just a few moments ago, clock hovering at 3am, entertaining my fantasies while watching the tiny screen

i rolled over, turned the power off, and i saw it

the shadow. it was next to me, moving on its own. it looked like breathing


but it was not mine. i watched it, for a moment, with fear

i made sure to lie very still

was my head playing tricks on me?

another thought, and then exhale; clarity

it was merely a reflection of the banner dancing around my darkened tv screen

but i continued watching the movement, the large belly moving up and down slowly

i played with the idea that it was my shadow partner

the one who sits beside me always

and i looked up to the cieling

tears streaming down my cheeks

and suddenly i realized how very far away from reality i have been living

i fantasize and i run toward those dreams

but they are not real, none of it is

and i’ve wasted years


running toward things that will never fulfill me

i have been so fucked up for so very long, i can’t even pinpoint anymore the exact moment when it began

all i know is that i lie alone at night

and i wake up alone in the morning

and i walk with muddled steps that lead me nowhere

and this, as i stared up at the ceiling just a few minutes ago, is my truth

two. step
three. lord i beg of you, surrender me
four. show me the light or take my life

what am i running toward? the black ceiling stared back at me with silence

there are only fleeting glimpses of my make-pretend world

i will be her for a day

him tomorrow

so wrapped up in imaginary imagery, i have no idea who i am anymore

coffee in hand now, writing the thoughts that come to the surface


do i lie because i am lonely?

do i cheat because i am scared?

harmonious choirs will not sing of my demise

i could not even get into a storybook, dusty on an old library shelf

i built all of these god damned walls and rivers and dams and fucking LIES because i didn’t want to ever get hurt

because i didn’t want to ever be alone

but here i am, not even a shadow-partner by my side

and i am left with this mess i have created, which is the greatest burden to bear

i could sweep

but instead, i live in my fantasy world, chasing fleeting dreams that sustain me for mere seconds

but never fulfill me

10 thoughts on “3am chronicles

  1. Wow. Powerful. Raw. Do we really ever know whether we’re running toward something, or away from something? Don’t the lines get blurred after a while? Sometimes the worst kind of lonely is the kind we feel when we’re not alone.

    As for being crazy, it’s the feeling of being held hostage by my mind … while others can leave me and my insanity, I am stuck, trapped by my brain chemistry.


  2. Even when your thoughts drift to dark places, I hope you know — and believe — what you wright and how you write it shines a light for all your readers. Remember that, please 😉

  3. Pingback: One Year of Loony « Thoughts of a Lunatic


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