fear of silence


I crave the security in keeping busy.
I crave the control over having a ‘to do’ list and checking off each thing.
I crave the daylight.
I crave noise.

When the silence hits,
when the sun begins to set,
the fear kicks in.
There is nothing left on my ‘to do’ list,
the noise is slowly fading away.

The dark mass that has decided to follow me,
settles in.
He knows that I have nothing left to distract me.

And I get scared.
And I make my husband keep the lights on.
And I keep music on.
And I tell him to not make me go to bed.
And I tell him to tell me stories when I finally do lay down.
And I lie there,
for hours,
wishing the sun would just rise.
I am on so many medications right now that I stay up thinking
that I’m going to die in my sleep.

Today is one of those days where nothing is on my schedule,
yesterday was a root canal,
tomorrow is another part of the legal battle against someone who refuses to go away,
but today,
today there is nothing.

Everyone keeps saying
“You’re running from something, that’s why you don’t want silence.”
When the noise is gone,
it is only me and my thoughts.
It’s true, they are right.
My husband makes me free-write every night now;
this is a journey,
it hurts us both
and its messy
and there cannot be a game plan of how it will go
I just hope that the ending is a good one.

I just need a moment to catch my breath.
A moment where the silent noise in my mind shuts the fuck up.

10 thoughts on “fear of silence

  1. I’m the same way with needing something to do to keep my mind quiet. Did you ever try going to sleep listening to an audiobook? I used to do that when I was in high school, it helped me fall asleep.

  2. It’s such a difficult battle — fighting the demons hiding inside. You’ll beat this, Erica. I think you’re already winning the battle. Every day is one step closer to the finish line.

    One day, one hour, one minute, one step, one breath……..you’ll do it. You ARE doing it!

  3. I could not agree with you more. Sometimes silence is my worst nightmare. It’s deafening and I just the thoughts to stop. I have been writing a lot too lately. To silence the darkness that ruminates in my mind. It’s kind of a therapeutic fear facing tactic. I am just hoping it will work. Thanks for writing that.

  4. Silence is a gift and a curse for me. Some days, I wish I had zero silence because my thoughts are vicious. Sometimes they tell me Im great, often they tell me Im a failure. Yet, there are some days were I beg for silence, because Im so extroverted that people never leave me alone. Love this post.


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