what my eyes will never unsee

I remember thinking, “That is the worst thing I have ever seen,”
and then you decide to prove me wrong
over and over again.
You one-up yourself,
and instead of relief,
you get thrown new horror every single day,
that is worst than the last.

I will never unsee the way you pleaded with me. The look in your eyes as you stared at me, begging for refuge.

I will never unsee the way you twisted and contorted your body for hours on end. The seizures that took four of us to hold you down. The hallucinations that made you scream and bawl in terror. For five hours, mom, Alex, and I stood holding your body. I think we left pieces of our souls on the floor that night.

I will never unsee the day I stood beside you as you got your pic-line, and your epidural, and how you told me, “Sissy, they hurt me!”

I will never unsee the pain the plagues you all day and all night, with no relief. How you do not sleep, how you do not eat. How every minute of every day is spent with the tense tightening of pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. There is nothing else.

I had to leave your room yesterday. I left Alex with you,  and I ran into an empty family lounge. I flung my body on the couch in the cold, dark room and I loosened the heartbreak that I had been holding in. I got on my knees, pleading with both god and the devil, I didn’t care which. I got up, because neither ones were listening. I could not stop the flood.

Each day brings something worse. Another thing on top of another thing that prevents you from breathing. You asked me yesterday, while we were alone, to kill you. You looked me in the eyes and calmly said, “Please sis, if this doesn’t get better, please promise you will kill me.” My little sis, my best friend, my playmate of 17 years, asking me to end her life out of sheer desperation.

I realize now that I had never experienced heartbreak until now. This is hell. This is watching someone suffer day in and day out. This is watching someone crumble. This is not being able to do anything.

There will never be the possibility of unseeing this.

But. There is no one stronger than her.


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10 thoughts on “what my eyes will never unsee

  1. Reblogged this on The advice, rants, thoughts, ponderings and musings of my incomprehensable mind. Xx and commented:
    I just-
    I swear to God, I don’t CARE about not having money to go buy clothes, chocolate bars and CDs.
    I don’t care.
    But I care when I see something like this.
    Guys, please help me out (and far more importantly, this girl and her loving family) by doing what I can’t and helping this girl and her family.
    This just…breaks my heart. I’m so, so sorry. Words cannot describe how painful this is. I’m so sorry. </3

  2. I wish I could get a debit card so I could send you lots of donations. 😦 Much love and I really hope everything turns out okay.
    I have a no reblogging policy on my main site, but I have quite a few followers and links to my other site – I’ll spread the word.

  3. Have you guys tried medical marijuana? I’m only mentioning it because since its still seen as a bit on the fringe, sometimes doctors don’t think of it. I’m sooo sorry that your little sis is g oing through so much misery. My heart and prayers go out to her.

  4. Donated…
    but we will dedicate to her our meditation this evening, which will be even more special because the entire planet is involved. I would like to share with you…

    And who knows Monica is not achieved by a lot of love!
    Love to all your family Claudine

  5. Pingback: Supporting a Hero | Thoughts of a Lunatic


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