win or lose, mom?



Look at me. Look me in the fucking eyes. I am here. I am human. I am equal to you.
Look at me.

Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Or the silent thoughts. The grudges. The venom. The lies. The truths.
Listen to me, hear me.

Why am I not at your level? Why was I always ten feet down? Deep in the mud that you created for me, because that is your preference.

The lies.
The smoke.
The gimmicks.
The show you led, the one you are leading, is almost perfect. I almost believed it myself. Applause. 

What was the point of saying you loved me?
Treating me like I was a mistake?
What I have given to release these shackles and hover over you like a dragon, spitting fire, giving you a taste of your own medicine. Playing your game. Fucking you over, in the most secretive and manipulative ways. In ways where I would remain the victim to the outside world, just like you. In ways where only you and I would know that you were my prisoner.

You’re a coward until the end. You are all powerful (only in your small, fake world) until you crumble into a million pieces with your deceit. And then you will have no one. Nothing of substance. None of the loyalty that one craves at their end. You will never, ever know unconditional love. I know you think you do, but I assure you, it is something you will never experience. Which is fair, because you cannot bestow it to anyone but yourself.

Look at me.
Listen to me, you son of a bitch.
Never again.
No more chances.
Because I am the demon that haunts you now.

I am above you. I am the tall one. Without the swords or the games or the evil.
I just simply am.
And I will not hurt you like you did me, because I am a decent human being. Besides, my absence is my most powerful weapon.
It will haunt you.
It will kill you.

Take it
Feel it
Let it fuck you up
just like it did me, all those years.

I win,
There is no winner here. Only you would see it that way.
The truth is we both lost something, that should have never been up for grabs,
a very long time ago. And that is on you.
You did that.
All you.

Then again, I guess we never really had anything to begin with,
did we?

4 thoughts on “win or lose, mom?

  1. Oh, don’t worry, due to my perpetually low self esteem, I automatically assume you are above me, more accomplished and more charismatic. So, yes, you win, but yes, there are no winners here.
    Hold on, wait a second, I may have just realized this wasn’t about me. Whew, that’s a hard admission to say something isn’t about me. Hopefully there are others who can be as brave as you to force me to admit not everything is about me. I am lost in my own metaphor.


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