* This post was written by me in 2013, but the original host site it was posted on does not exist anymore, so I am re-posting it here.
Fun fact, this post is how my husband found me, by reading these exact words and connecting to everything I had to say. 6 years married now, because of such a random twist of fate.
A lot has happened since writing this, including clarity that I was still very very mentally unwell. I was still living with and surrounded by my toxic family. I wasn’t in therapy. And I wasn’t being completely honest with myself yet. Nevertheless, I still want this to be out there as part of the beginning of my healing.
I am also disabling likes & comments. This just needs to be here, left alone.
Sometimes its so hard for me to see beauty. I feel so blackened, so burnt. Pieces of my skin fall off, and I leave my ashy mark on every path I step foot on. The public bathrooms are my sanctuary; I lift my feet up above the door, and I curl up, and I wait to be alone. I don’t want this world to spin anymore. Why won’t it slow down? Why is everyone out to hurt me? I want to look around and see good people; to allow myself to believe that their smiles aren’t fake. I want to breathe in kindness, authenticity, loyalty. I want to see beauty in the eyes of these ugly people, whose shadows give their burdened hearts away. Continue reading →
Why aren’t things different? Better? Fixed? Why is it that when the rain starts, I am still falling down into the dark pits of past trauma? I don’t understand it, why I am still tormented so. I can still remember, physically, the touches that I did not agree to; the fear of making a sound; the emptiness. Continue reading →
My skin still burns. The pain feels current, even though the waves of the abuse have long since washed away. Why do I still feel you? Why do I still see you? Your touch leaves a residue; a grime that I cannot scrub off. Your prescence is hiding in my closest, under my bed, next to me while I sleep. I feel your eyes on me when I stand naked in the shower, when I cry alone on the floor.
There are pieces of me strewn along the office floor. There are parts of me hiding in the drawers of the guest room. Pieces of me hiding under my bed, thrown into the closets, sleeping under my pillow. Each pile of things represents a different part of me, of my life. They are unorganized and unmindful. They are sad and mean. They are kind and empathetic. They are reaching out to be held. Continue reading →
I used to be a different kind of person. I was broke and tired, I was running on pure desperation. My conscience was hidden underneath layers of cold; under layers of sadness that were stale and hard. I didn’t know how to articulate my feelings into words, and besides, no one was there to listen anyway. Continue reading →
I will not deny it, things haven’t been so easy as of late. I seem to have slipped into some kind of comfortable sadness; some form of loving loneliness. This is how things used to be, not how they should be now. But I suppose that is the artistry of depression, it cares not for circumstance. Continue reading →
The lights, all the lights. The flashing cameras, the voices of strangers. It is happening again. Another celebrity has died, and mental illness gets the spotlight for a few minutes. It gets to be paraded around in front of your television screens; it gets to be talked about in such a way, you’d think it wasn’t really that bad at all. Continue reading →
I started counseling again yesterday. I don’t know what I expect to gain here, but I knew that I needed to try. She told me that she wanted me to write down some goals that I have for this counseling thing, and to bring them next week. Goals? Continue reading →
it’s not easy saying goodbye. some days, i don’t hurt as much. others, i hurt a lot. i get scared, because goodbyes have always been hard for me. goodbyes have been final. they have meant the end. you turn a … Continue reading →
Did we lock the door? No you don’t need to check. Yes, please go check. Are you sure we locked the door? You check it. Ok good, its locked. No wait, we didn’t check it good enough, must go back. Over and … Continue reading →
There was that one time that I was about to become a Mormon.
I was living in a 4 bedroom house with a batshit-crazy landlord, her son, and two other renters. I was doing important things like working night shift as a caregiver to patients with dementia, eating frozen dinners at 6 am, and sleeping all day. Continue reading →
Sometimes I feel like I’m still drowning, and I don’t even know why. I look around this place, my life. I have this beautiful home now. A spacious gem that I never would have imagined I could actually live in. I unpack my things and walk room to room as I try to figure out where everything will go, and then I go up and climb into our new bed and I watch a movie on my new computer. And then I sleep. And I dream. Nightmares.
All my life, I have been a romantic. Not in the “love” sense, but in the way I expect big moments to be. I want everything to be artistic, I want everything to be exquisite. Like walking onto the cold Oregon Coast sand, taking pause right before jumping into the icy water. Like looking out as far as my eyes can see, and feeling the waves of wonder pushing against my body. Or like hiking through an untouched forest, waiting for the fairies to begin playing with my hair. I spent a lot of time alone as a child, building up my imagination as my best friend. I guess maybe that’s why I have an amorous expectation of the world, hoping that when a big moment happens, I will know it’s right by the way my body tingles. Continue reading →
Then, I was covered in darkness. I had allowed my hopes and dreams to fall from my fingertips, onto the cold floor, and to shatter. After a while, I had forgotten about them completely. I could no longer recognize … Continue reading →
Dear readers, in this post I will cover a topic that I have not yet written about. Since July 2012, I have been using this blog as my outlet; using it as my tool to try and create lyrics of thoughts running through my head. I have written my experiences, my downfalls, my victories. But one subject I had not yet had the courage to share. Perhaps I was not ready, or perhaps I feared stepping into a territory that is often belittled, abused, and harassed. No matter the reasons, I have decided that it is time to come clean. Continue reading →
I don’t know what I expected, but this isn’t it. Maybe I thought that growing up would solve all of my problems, or perhaps I just believed that I would figure out how to fix everything by the time I grew up. Truth is, nothing has happened. I’m still crazy.
I think the worst part is that explaining this crazy is so damn difficult. It won’t fit into paragraphs. It won’t follow the rules of grammar. It’s messy and gritty and the kind of thing that most of us try to avoid.
But what if I tried to explain it anyway? What would it look like?
I remember the ice, how it soothed her. She dipped her feet and hands into the frosty water, filled to the brim with pieces of frozen cubes, for it was the only relief she could find. The shaking and fever … Continue reading →
I remember thinking, “That is the worst thing I have ever seen,”
and then you decide to prove me wrong
over and over again.
You one-up yourself,
and instead of relief,
you get thrown new horror every single day,
that is worst than the last. Continue reading →
It is a poison, spreading through the veins, crippling the senses, murdering the heart, finding hilarity in the destruction it is causing. It brings out the best in you, it lets out the worst in you. Love. You see the … Continue reading →
There was a time when I had given up hope; a time when I had the exact plans set on how to end my life.
There was even a time or two when I tried my hardest to carry out those plans.
Times I tried,
and times I failed. Continue reading →
I tried, I tried so very hard, to not need anything from you. I tried to convince myself that I could move on without you; that I could carry on with my life somehow, without ever getting an apology. I gave it my all, I swear I did. I sweat and bled and broke, Continue reading →
When I was a little girl I was stuck; always at the mercy of others. It was then that I developed my claustrophobia, my fear of having no escape. I remember being bound so tightly I could not breathe I … Continue reading →
Well it’s come! My one year anniversary with WordPress. *clinks glass*
I’m having a hell of a time trying to figure out what kind of grand gesture is appropriate for such an occasion, but since I am very anti-climactic, I thought I would just take a brief drive down memory lane and perhaps end with what lies ahead. Continue reading →
My mind has been hushed thoughts, quieted As I watch him move work bind me into myself sweat beading down his head tighter The embrace overwhelming comforting me the deepest hug quiet peace “How are you feeling?” silence there is … Continue reading →
Passing someone that looks familiar
or passing the one that actually did it
or getting into a car with the same seats as before
or hearing a name
or seeing a coin fall out of a purse
or catching a hint of a specific cologne
or driving past a freeway exit
All it takes is a second
and the trigger sets
trickles down my spine
numbs my legs
buckles my knees
knocks out the breath
whitens my vision
All it takes is a question
and I am immobile
I dig my nails into my skin
because I no longer cut
because I no longer drink
because I no longer use
I curl up into fetal position
I run to hide in a secret space where the tears can fall in private
because no one can ever see me cry like that
All it takes is that one irrelevant moment
to load the gun
you have it next to your temple
will you live or will you die?
Not even sure anymore just how many there are
new ones pop up each day
some are dormant
some are fresh
some are fucking masters of manipulation
I’m sitting on your bed
surrounded by his weapons
and all I can say is nothing
because you would never understand
and I could never help you to
because I cannot talk about it
and so I sit
and I cry beneath my skin
and I silently beg for mercy
but you will never know
and you will never see it
and I suffer alone
is my hell
i was lying in bed just a few moments ago, clock hovering at 3am, entertaining my fantasies while watching the tiny screen i rolled over, turned the power off, and i saw it the shadow. it was next to me, … Continue reading →
Unlovable. I am, ’tis true. If I am loved, it is for but a lie. For if I laid the truth out onto the table, not one would stay. My scar tissue runs deeper than I thought it did. Yes, … Continue reading →
The night sky covered us. We walked around that old school yard; I was crying, upset, about the boyfriend at home. You comforted me, acted as a friend. But then. Knife to my throat. Turn slowly, get on the car. … Continue reading →
Note 5-30-2018: My brother and I are no longer in contact. I was going to just delete this post, but when I wrote it I meant it, so here it shall stay. Many of the things mentioned in this letter … Continue reading →
One thing I want to do this year is shed some metaphorical weight; get rid of some of that baggage that I carry around with me on my shoulders. What is it there for? What purpose it is serving, other … Continue reading →
It’s almost the end of the world year, and that can only mean one thing: lists. We make lists to commemorate the end of a crappy year, and then we make new ones to overload ourselves with selfish hopes for a … Continue reading →
“I had become, with the approach of night, once more aware of loneliness and time … those two companions without whom no journey can yield us anything.“ Lawrence Durrell I am stretching out my legs a bit, the absence has been felt … Continue reading →
Miserere I grew up believing in God. There was no denomination attached, no one church or set of rules. I simply believed in a being greater than myself. It comforted me. I had someone to talk to at night; someone … Continue reading →
I have always had a very energetic mind at night; wild things enter and keep their grip until morning’s wake. As a child, I would not only walk around and carry out activities while completely asleep, but I would also … Continue reading →
Dear Loony, You’re 14, eh? Flat chested, skinny, with a very bad dye job. Sorry to be blunt, but hun, you know it’s true. I want to tell you to just accept that your hair is dark blond, not white … Continue reading →