win or lose, mom?

 

Look at me. Look me in the fucking eyes. I am here. I am human. I am equal to you.
Look at me.

Listen to the words coming out of my mouth. Or the silent thoughts. The grudges. The venom. The lies. The truths.
Listen to me, hear me.

beauty

i have dirt under my fingernails

and cracks and ridges where soft skin should be
my hair is pulled up into a messy rats nest
with brittle ends and greasy roots

please, don’t leave me

had a bad dream again last night.

i wake up to the back of his neck. i nuzzle my face into his skin and i repeat
i need you
i need you
i need you

what my eyes will never unsee

I remember thinking, “That is the worst thing I have ever seen,”
and then you decide to prove me wrong
over and over again.
You one-up yourself,
and instead of relief,
you get thrown new horror every single day,
that is worst than the last.

oh, dear little sis

Your eyes burn my skin
they pierce my eyes, my soul,
as they plead for help that I cannot give

Why did you have to end up here, once again?
On that bed, on that stretcher,
hooked up to fifty IV’s that do nothing but remind us all
that you are one in a million.

midnight musings of lonliness

When I was a little girl I was stuck; always at the mercy of others. It was then that I developed my claustrophobia, my fear of having no escape. I remember being bound so tightly I could not breathe I …

answers…

Cover me in that darkness,
the one that sits beside me.
It is always there,
listening to my heart,
beat,
beat,
beat.
It waits,
for a window
of opportunity.
Old habits,
never die.

dissociate

It’s a strange thing. I open my eyes, rub the sleep away. I walk into the bathroom, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. No connection. I shower to wash the grime away; the same dirt that I have …

tied

My mind has been hushed thoughts, quieted As I watch him move work bind me into myself sweat beading down his head tighter The embrace overwhelming comforting me the deepest hug quiet peace “How are you feeling?” silence there is …

one moment

One moment. That is all it takes to change the course of your life forever. I have been buried in moments; choked and beaten into the darkest of depths. touched, burned, tortured, abused, battered, bruised I have had pieces of …

archangel

I was a natural spring
flowing
and
erupting
over and over
again
until I stood alone
choosing my destiny
according to my mood
according to my past

trigger

All it takes is a click
A flash
A voice
A smell

Passing someone that looks familiar
or passing the one that actually did it
or getting into a car with the same seats as before
or hearing a name

or seeing a coin fall out of a purse
or catching a hint of a specific cologne
or driving past a freeway exit

All it takes is a second
and the trigger sets
trickles down my spine
numbs my legs
buckles my knees
knocks out the breath
whitens my vision

All it takes is a question
and I am immobile
I dig my nails into my skin
because I no longer cut
because I no longer drink
because I no longer use
I shake
I curl up into fetal position
I run to hide in a secret space where the tears can fall in private
because no one can ever see me cry like that

All it takes is that one irrelevant moment
to load the gun
and boom
you have it next to your temple
roulette
will you live or will you die?

Not even sure anymore just how many there are
new ones pop up each day
some are dormant
some are fresh
some are fucking masters of manipulation

I’m sitting on your bed
surrounded by his weapons
and all I can say is nothing
because you would never understand
and I could never help you to
because I cannot talk about it
and so I sit
and I cry beneath my skin
and I silently beg for mercy
but you will never know
and you will never see it
and I suffer alone
Your fantasy
is my hell

one second
one word
once voice
one smell
one sight
one object
one touch
trigger pulled

word/play

Words like a noose around my neck Who says? You say? They say? Labels, all of these labels as I struggle to find the right ones to explain myself But who makes them? A man two men taking it upon …

3am chronicles

i was lying in bed just a few moments ago, clock hovering at 3am, entertaining my fantasies while watching the tiny screen i rolled over, turned the power off, and i saw it the shadow. it was next to me, …

scar tissue

Unlovable. I am, ’tis true. If I am loved, it is for but a lie. For if I laid the truth out onto the table, not one would stay. My scar tissue runs deeper than I thought it did. Yes, …

wannabe

I want to be so many things.

I want to be an artist; painting the silhouettes of the women I come across. Loving them and sculpting their bodies with the sand.

I want to be the stars. I’ll be endless and I’ll be an illusion. There will be no beginning or end to me. I will simply be.