please, don’t leave me

had a bad dream again last night.

i wake up to the back of his neck. i nuzzle my face into his skin and i repeat
i need you
i need you
i need you

thankful

I will not deny it, things haven’t been so easy as of late. I seem to have slipped into some kind of comfortable sadness; some form of loving loneliness. This is how things used to be, not how they should be now. But I suppose that is the artistry of depression, it cares not for circumstance.

dreams i have had

it’s not easy saying goodbye. some days, i don’t hurt as much. others, i hurt a lot. i get scared, because goodbyes have always been hard for me. goodbyes have been final. they have meant the end. you turn a …

an old journal entry

A journal entry from late 2012.

the unromantic romance

All my life, I have been a romantic. Not in the “love” sense, but in the way I expect big moments to be. I want everything to be artistic, I want everything to be exquisite. Like walking onto the cold Oregon Coast sand, taking pause right before jumping into the icy water. Like looking out as far as my eyes can see, and feeling the waves of wonder pushing against my body. Or like hiking through an untouched forest, waiting for the fairies to begin playing with my hair. I spent a lot of time alone as a child, building up my imagination as my best friend. I guess maybe that’s why I have an amorous expectation of the world, hoping that when a big moment happens, I will know it’s right by the way my body tingles.

terrifying and beautiful: the truth of my marriage

You are terrifying and strange and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love.

Married life is not what I thought it would be. It’s edges are sharp, jagged, and they leave me with cuts that bleed. Marriage is no fairytale – no romantic story – it is work. I never understood that, nor could I have … but I do now. It is dangerous to think that this can continue without working harder than we ever have; we both are unfinished pieces of a horrifying puzzle, and putting two together does not just simply go smoothly.

the slow burn of love

It is a poison, spreading through the veins, crippling the senses, murdering the heart, finding hilarity in the destruction it is causing. It brings out the best in you, it lets out the worst in you. Love. You see the …

no fairytale

Love
is no fairytale

Perhaps in the beginning,
we see a bit of that magic.
We are swept off of our feet
or we are entranced by the disappearance
of our doubts.
Perhaps in the beginning,
we see that favorite movie
or the ending of that book
coming true
and we think
‘This is love’
and that things will always be that way.

answers…

Cover me in that darkness,
the one that sits beside me.
It is always there,
listening to my heart,
beat,
beat,
beat.
It waits,
for a window
of opportunity.
Old habits,
never die.

a loony in portlandia

It has been a whirlwind couple of months for me. I am definitely living an entirely new life, and it is quite the crazy adventure I am embarking on! I am happy.  Very happy. And my life, at this moment, is …